What is Wrong With You?

On election day in the United States, I thought it appropriate to discuss ways to open your mind to the worldview of others. We are a very divided country right now and I I can’t help but feel if we could practice empathy more often, we could heal these rifts.

As a Leadership professor, the concept of empathy is foundational to what I teach. Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another being (a human or non-human animal) is experiencing from within the other being’s frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.

In my view, it is imperative for great leadership to have empathy for the world around us and more specifically those we lead. One of the examples I like to present to my students, is by asking the question, “How many times have we had a disagreement with someone where you are left pondering in your head, what is wrong with you? You are being irrational.”

“We don’t see things as they are; only as we are.” -Anaïs Nin

Everyone nods in agreement as I think we’ve all been there more than a few times, especially in today’s political climate. Inside our mind, our stance is crystal clear, rational and unequivocal. We struggle to see how this person can oppose our view, in any way.

Consequently, our first thought is to label them or somehow assign blame to something exterior to us. Unless you have been trained to be aware of this trigger, you more than likely will not even consider that maybe they have a point.

This is where we open our mind to alternate possibilities. We may or may not change our stance, but take a hard look to where they are coming from.

Or ask the even more compelling question, “could I be wrong?” Your first course of action should be curiosity and inquisition rather than digging your heels in, ask “what am I missing and what are they seeing?”

What many of us fail to understand is that we all have filters that we are viewing the world through. These filters, or frame of reference, are formed by many factors: culture, race, upbringing, geography, sex, values, leadership style, etc. These create our worldview.

Reading the above list, it becomes evident that my filters are different from your filters and everyone else in the world. We are all unique in how we see the world. This is where we begin to see the “gap” in our disagreements.

How does empathy become important in business?

When a VC turns down our proposal, when a customer buys from our competitor or as shown above, someone opposes your view, these all trigger an emotional response. Put yourself in any of these scenarios and honestly assess what your first response would be.

The response is usually not one of empathy or understanding, and certainly not one of curiosity or inquisition. I challenge you to change your thinking.

A healthy approach is to become an impartial observer, thereby removing your emotions from the equation. With your beginners mind fully engaged, dig deeper to genuinely understand. If you do this and actively listen to the answers, you uncover the golden nuggets that most people miss.

The holes that you don’t see, the flaws in the plan that escape your gaze, the problems that others see clearly are brought into the light of day and you should be grateful. Instead of looking at them as an obstacle, you should see them as valuable members of your team.

For they are offering the opportunities we desperately need to improve our business model. Instead of asking, “what is wrong with you?” flip your mindset to instead ask “what am I missing?”

Maybe, just maybe, there really is actually nothing truly “wrong” with them…it could indeed be ourselves, or more likely just a different worldview, and that’s ok.

By practicing empathy and removing emotional attachment, we can open our minds to this possibility and explore it. You may find yourself thanking them for saying no to your proposal.

About the Author:

Ron Duren is the Business Wingman. He is a Certified FocalPoint Business and Leadership coach and adjunct Professor of Leadership and Management at the University of Colorado. He is a Project Management Professional (PMP), graduate of Seth Godin’s altMBA program and holds a Masters Degree in Engineering Management. He is a former semi-professional baseball player and rodeo cowboy. Ron built and flies his award winning aerobatic airplane as much as he can. Subscribe to his newsletter for pragmatic business and leadership articles delivered monthly.

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