Unconstructive Suffering: How To Practice More Self-Compassion

In our year end Forging Mettle podcast, I talked about the concept of gently pushing through hard days. Instead of trying to will yourself through it with harsh self-talk like former Navy SEAL David Goggins screaming at you in your head. Berating ourselves and saying “I am weak” is not helpful.

Try instead to give yourself some grace, kindness and compassion. If that sounds too soft for you, hang with me. Realize and accept that we are flawed, you and I. We are emotional beings that have ups and downs. Not every day is a good day, and that's normal. How you manage those “bad” days makes all the difference.

There is an ebb and flow to life. It is dynamic, always moving and changing like a river. Life, and our emotional state, is never static. We must learn to embrace this flow of life without judgment.

Self-scrutiny applied with kindness

~Epictetus

Overachiever, Alpha Dog, Perfectionists

I realize this is a hard sell in a world of overachiever, alpha dog, perfectionists. But I would ask, how is that working for you? Depression, suicide, loneliness and unhappiness are at all time high levels according to the research. We are doing something wrong with our always on, never satisfied, never enough lives.

We are fooled into thinking doing more, and being harder on ourselves, will lead to that elusive good life we seek. I’m here to tell you it's not about the trophy, it's about the journey. The pot of gold is actually not at the end of the rainbow, it is in the mastery of the craft.

You see, I am a recovering perfectionist. I know this journey well for I have traveled its well worn path. I grew up with a very demanding father. Nothing was ever good enough, in his mind. As a promising young baseball player that had my eyes on a professional career, the bar was set very high.

Let me share a story if I may? I remember hitting 4 homeruns in a doubleheader in high school, including 3 in the first game. Almost everyone, including myself, was ecstatic. It was the only time I can remember my father not having negative feedback. Now, of course, I did not hear “I’m proud of you,” which I had hoped for. It was more along the lines of “that’s not bad, son.”

Consequently I have struggled with an inner voice that is harsh and overly critical, much like a mean drill sergeant (perfectly described on a Happiness Lab podcast). I could hear echoes of my father in my self-talk. Maybe you too can hear echoes of an overly demanding parent, coach or teacher from your early life?

Now, let’s pause to make something clear. I love my father, even with his shortcomings as a parent. He did his best, and for that, I am grateful. I am not playing the victim. It was not my fault how I was raised, but it is my responsibility as an adult to grab the wheel and steer my own ship.

Lastly, as with almost everything in life, it’s not all bad. That high standard, ambition and drive have helped me achieve much in life. My goal in my own self-development journey is to use the good and reduce the bad. I am seeking harmony; more self-love and self-acceptance to tip the scales to a more positive state.

The Good Wolf

There is an ancient Cherokee legend about the good wolf and the bad wolf. In it, a young boy is talking to his grandfather about life. The grandfather tells a tale of a battle between a good wolf and a bad wolf that exists in each of our minds. The good wolf is all that is good. The bad wolf is all that is evil.

The young boy says, “which one wins?” His grandfather replies, “whichever one you feed.” These wolves are our inner voices. The bad wolf could be thought of as your inner critic.

Although self-criticism of behavior can actually be a good thing. It helps give us a signal to correct poor behavior so that we can be better next time. The problem arises when we start to criticize ourselves, who we are, our identity. This often leads to self-inflicted shame. Shame is self-debilitating and not helpful.

Are We the Enemy?

When we feel shame, we see ourselves as an enemy that needs to be vanquished. Ironically, we see our very selves as a threat to our survival. When our brain senses a threat, a part of the brain called the amygdala goes on high alert to defend the citadel against the perceived invader.

When this happens, our fight/flight/freeze system is activated. Also known as the sympathetic nervous system. This system mobilizes to defend against the perceived threat.

This system is designed to help us escape sabre tooth tigers. It is designed to be used in short bursts, sprints (as I discuss in a previous blog), if you will. These sprints are followed by rest. We toggle back to our rest and digest system called the parasympathetic nervous system. Essentially the opposite of the sympathetic nervous system. Think of one as the accelerator and the other as the brakes.

If we are sympathetically activated chronically, the results can be catastrophic to our health. This is chronic stress, and should be avoided. Transient moderate stress is actually good for us. If we can toggle between stress and rest, as implied by the use of the word transient.

Remember the equation from my last blog post, Stress + Rest = Growth. Our system needs recovery time. We need to be “off” at some point. I encourage you do this with intent and purpose. Schedule time off. Without it, we overwhelm the engine and will eventually blow up said engine. Emotional burnout is real.

Our Inner Voice

All of this leads me back to our inner voice. If we allow our inner voice to be overly harsh, we are setting up an ideal situation for chronic stress. We are, often unknowingly, priming the sympathetic nervous system to redline until the engine blows. All of which is driven by a seemingly benign inner voice. The drill sergeant that never gives us a break, screaming at us to do more.

How many of us realize how much damage is being done by being hard on ourselves? We recently had 2018 winner of Race Across America Patrick Sweeney, and author of Fear is Fuel, on the podcast. He believes this constant state of sympathetic nervous system activation caused leukemia to manifest in him in his mid-thirties.

Or a recent Rich Roll podcast with Caroline Burckle, she believes it led her to miss her period for 10 years as an Olympic athlete! As we can surmise, none of this is healthy.

If left unchecked, it can bring about our premature demise. We must guard against chronic levels of distress. The good news is we can rewrite the story in our minds and take back control.

Dukkha

A harsh inner critic, or perfectionist tendencies can often be the culprit. This all builds a powerful case for something called self-compassion. Compassion can be thought of as a desire to alleviate suffering.

The Buddha stated in the four noble truths that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence. He called it dukkha. Indeed, I am convinced as the Buddha was, that it is an unavoidable part of life. Some will argue suffering is optional, but I think that is an ideal and not realistic. Even so, not all suffering is created equal and we can eliminate much of it.

As we often discuss on the podcast, some suffering is actually needed and beneficial in life. We should seek out adversity and suffering to foster personal growth. Former Olympic moguls world champion Jeremy Bloom calls it constructive suffering.

Adversity, challenges, and embracing the suck, often lead to meaning, fulfillment and growth. Suffering is stress and it will make us stronger if we feed the right wolf.

In life, we have what I call primary suffering and secondary suffering. Primary suffering is hard to avoid, although as noted, some try. If my dog dies today, I will not be able to avoid that suffering, nor should I. If I carry that anguish for an extended period, it then becomes secondary suffering.

I do have control over secondary suffering. We all do. Additionally, our interpretation (our story) of our suffering is foundational to the benefit we might derive from it. If we see suffering as good stress, we will grow. If we see it as bad stress, we will be traumatized and diminished by it. Again, we see that our narrative becomes a powerful tool.

Be a Supportive Coach

To sum up, stress and suffering should not be avoided and even welcomed in some cases. What should be avoided is unconstructive or secondary suffering. Being overly harsh with ourselves is unconstructive. Give yourself some room to maneuver and explore your feelings, without guilt or shame.

Do not create an environment for yourself where nothing is ever good enough. We can still achieve excellence without the impossibility of achieving perfection. Do not allow yourself to be unkind to yourself. Train yourself to create an inner dialogue that is supportive, kind and encouraging. Just like you would speak to a good friend or loved one.

How do we do this? Start with self-awareness. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. Use a notepad and write down your thoughts as they come up. Do this for several days and see if you notice a pattern. Everyone is different, but we almost all universally skew negative as part of our survival wiring. Some more than others.

Be wary of your “chimp” brain hiding the facts. It's our brain’s version of fake news. When I first did this exercise, I initially did not “see” the negative patterns. As I looked closer, I realized, my inner voice was never happy, never satisfied and always critical. Again, I could hear the echoes of my father’s voice.

Over the years, I have changed this conversation to be more gentle, kind and supportive with good results. Just like a good, caring, empathetic coach would be. It has changed my life. My hope is that it can do the same for you. Go easier on yourself and see how that works for you.

I’ll see you in the arena.